Among the living

Another day, amongst the living. Another day of wondering why. Feeling lifeless and dead, broken and alone. My biggest goal each waking day is simply hoping I won’t cry. At the age of thirty, I’ve wasted it all. My youth, my health, life changing opportunities, but mostly a lot of time. Sadly, not living the life I could, wondering which one of these days my soul will choose to fly. I can’t think, I can’t breathe and nothing makes sense. I don’t even feel alive. Day after day, each and every night, I lie awake overthinking. Give it an hour of sleep, maybe two, I wake up open eyed. Anxiety ridden, and short on faith, even my dreams are not on my side. The truth is hard to say but here it is, most days I just want to give in, give up, break down and die.

The love I haven’t for myself and the lack of love from others, is no way to live, it hurts my heart and it’s not easy to find. But one of the most painful things in life is a love in which we are forced to say goodbye. There’s one farewell in particular that really hit me hard. Now, any smile of mine you see and say is real, without hesitation, I will be quick to deny. My days are dark and my sun has turned to ice. I lost myself and my love for life. I lost my faith to be happy and the will to even try. What’s out of our control, we can’t ever change. No matter what we do, No matter how far we go by land, water or sky. I do know what I want most in this life and toward that life I want to thrive. If it ever comes my way, best believe I won’t be shy. With acceptance, trust and support, I know it can last a lifetime. I’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen and that is surely no lie. Until then I’ll be among the living, questioning questions and finding myself. I’m taking my heart off standby.